I have not gone through a day this week without hearing the word "CANCER". Sunday night , I heard about Lar's Mom{a family friend I met from a cancer support group} passing away from "CANCER", Tuesday I talked with Paul{my ex-boyfriend} and his Aunt was told she has only a couple days to live because "CANCER" has spread through her entire body, and tonight we did a girl's night and the movie we chose to watch was about a 20'something year old guy who is diagnosed with "CANCER".
I do not understand cancer...I never have and don't think I ever will. It always tends to attack the best people, taking their lives and removing them from their family and friends. I don't understand it's meaning, presence, or determination...cancer has been so prevalent in my life yet when I begin thinking about it, it feels far and foreign to me.
With my mom passing almost 2 years ago now, just these past couple weeks do I truly feel like cancer and its impact on my family is truly hitting me. So many times I have tried to push away the feelings of vulnerability, sadness, weakness, and every other emotion you feel when someone you love passes away, but something about this week is making me face these feelings head on. There is certainly a higher power that is forcing me to face my fear of cancer and its impact on the ones around me. There is no hiding from it this week or telling it to go away and come back tomorrow....to me, the lesson for this is because we are never guaranteed tomorrow. For the last several months I have been telling myself that I would like to throw another cancer fundraiser, visit Paul's Aunt and Lar's Mom but I haven't done any of it...the famous line "I will do it tomorrow" always tends to pop up and interfere with my greater goal. Today I began planning for our next fundraiser event and tomorrow I have a date with Paul's Aunt. To be completely honest, I am so afraid of facing cancer but I am even more afraid to turn my back on it. {As I was just writing this last line, a good friend of mine just pinged me on facebook to say her dad is home on hospice. He has cancer}.
Honestly, it had been so strange how everything has unfolded this week. It really makes me ponder the meaning of life and how I want to live it to better the lives of others.
